Feeling really annoyed with myself. haven't restricted as much as i should have and haven't exercise enough either. feel like a big fat failure to be honest. i havent been able to weigh myself in a little while which is seriously stressing me out. I will though as soon as possible.

Dad commented today on my clothes... said that i had lost weight because my top was loose- he asked what size i was wearing and ignored him then looked at label and saw im in a uk 8- us 6? i know thats alot but have to take into consideration im on high dose steriods and some days my health stops me from doing any exercise at all :(

oh how it sucks. feeling quite sick of the site of my body right now and have to see a psychologist and psychiatrist on tuesday... im dreading it. im not ready for recovery.

anyway.. i have a thing about collar bones at the moment.. il leave you with a picture of mine- you can see just how fat i really am.. its shamefull.. it will be thinspo that works in the opposite ways.. it makes you wanna loose even more weight because you'd dread to look like that!

New start.

At the moment.. im feeling quite pissed with myself. I have just been so stressed i haven't been restricting, i havent cared as much what goes into my fat gob and i havent exercised as much as i should have.. or really at all.. I have been quite unwell so its not been really possible.. but is that just excuses?

Im starting to feel suicidal over my weight. Well that and aload of other things. Im quite on edge at the moment, a new friend of mine works with adults with mental health problems and i have to see a psychologist on the 6th october.. although i did ask for it.. im now wondering if its such a good idea.

Im starting a fresh. From 2moro morning. Although i havent the energy or it will also probably kill me to go into the exercise i used to do at night right at the moment i will start tomorrow with my dieting- less time eating is more time to study. Not sure how im gonna cope- im going back to college tomorrow and gonna start heavily restricting again, my energy levels are going to dip even more and i have to sit and focus through equality, rights and diversity, personal and professional development and ICT.. although lessons are only 1 hour 30 mins long im still gonna find it hard to concentrate, especially when im struggling with my work so much.

Im gonna have to start posting here more often, calorie intake, pictures of me. I've let myself slip and i need to kick my arse back into shape.

Im gonna go look at some thinspo.. feeling rather low right now :(

pro-active day?

Today has been so good. Not sure how i kept up, my exercise level has dropped quite alot lately- i have not been able to do much and upped my medication but today completed my martial art class- 1.5 hours long and burnt around 1000 cals in that. Then got home and was arguing with dad so went for a short run an it was getting dark anyway. When i came back i managed to collapse and throw up... great?!?

Then though however dad made me eat, stir fry and it was quite alot.. he's seen that im skipping meals and considering i have such a big event on saturday he made me eat it all.. on sunday im so excited because im going to view a horse to see about getting and he said i couldnt go to see him if i didnt eat it.

I ate it.. stupid me. But have been busy in my bedroom exercising so feeling a bit better for that.. But feeling crap.

Im feeling quite like a failure at the moment. Im freezing cold and fat. I have carpeted flooring in my room so cant weigh myself until tomorrow when i can take my scales down stairs. It sucks.

Im feeling really low. Im a looser. Im a failure :(

Anti recovery.

*RANT ALERT*

I am getting fucking pissed off with Wannarexics.. for fucks sake go and actually starve yourself and see what hunger really feels like. Im getting fed up of people who are like between 10-17 stone saying 'im anorexic' i eat 200 cals a day and have done for the past year... Yea yea my fucking arse you have.

I ate alot today. Call it what you want, binge, over eating, pigging out.. I did it and i didnt exercise.. for a moment i thought what the hell.. Im stronger than this.. but oh no.. i soon looked in the mirror and had a panic attack.

Tomorrow im stepping up my game. Im supposed to be in training for saturday- championships but have been unwell and have been rather exhausted for some reason, but i need to restrict again and up my exercise.. some how.

I was feeling rather good about myself yesterday when i bought a new pair of jeans and they were too big in the waist.. im gonna have to take them back and get a smaller size. But these wannarexics trying to compete against me has decided il go for a even smaller size... maybe il reach my goal a bit quicker...

moan over :'(

stay strong beautiful people. xx

Just dropping in to say hi really. I know its been so long since i last blogged.. not much on the food front has happened. I gained weight, went into hospital then gained weight again and now back to restricting so im really happy.

Lost 4.2 lbs in past 2 days so quite happy.. could be more but im not exercising :)

When i get some energy back il be exercising more i cant wait.

My father has gone away for the weekend.. yay. Restricting just got a whole lot easier.

Il blog again sometime over the weekend with a proper update.. but i havent forgotton my beautiful ana friends.

stay strong. xx

urgh!

My dad went on holiday on saturday.. leaving me home alone great?! no. Been having alot of problems lately commments by people- oh dont you eat. i never see you eat. blah blah blah. Saturday went okay, wasnt really hungry after my shift at work but had to have something to stabelize my sugar levels so did so and went to bed. Sunday my boss's girlfriend brought up bacon sandwiches for everyone *pukes* they kept on offering them to me and me saying, 'no im fine'.. 'Ill have it later'... 'I just want to get some of my work done'.. 'Im busy'... 'Im not hungry i still dont feel well'.. didnt work. my boss confronted me infront of all the other people on the yard and said 'dont you eat? you never eat.'.. my face dropped and i didnt know what to do. I walked off and said 'yea i fucking eat unfortunatly.' She kept offereing me the food again throughout the day.. and text me in the afternoon there is food in such a place for you... argh i bring food.. i have to to keep sugar levels i eat if i need it. Yesterday i was told i was going to dad's girl friend's for dinner and as the hours passed i really started freaking out and started making up excuses for not going, i sent her a text to say i was gonna have an early night but she had her phone turned off.. so i had to sit with her and her eldest daughter and eat pasta... i felt HORRIBLE when i got home. I feel like i binged that day too.. now looking over what i ate doesnt seem too much but it was junk.. Today i went to show all day. I was at my boss's house for 7:45am. I hadnt eaten so i felt good. we left the stables at 9ish and stopped for fuel just down the road she asked me if i wanted anything from the garage.. NO i snapped. i felt bad but just didnt want it anymore. half an hour down the road i hear 'do you want a pork pie?' in my head i was saying very loudly 'no i dont want a fucking pork pie does it look like i need or want a fucking pork pie shove it in your fat gob and shut up'. But replied with no im ok.. and went very quiet i think she got the hint. At the show she asked me if i wanted a drink and she usually gets full sugar fizzy drinks/coke... so said im diying for water and luckily they had water this time. As we loaded all the horses back on the lorry i was untacking and giving them all water and she came up to me and asked me if i wanted anything to eat.. i said no but we argued for around 30 minutes maybe more and ended up with her shouting at me and making me sit at a table outside eating fucking chips.. chips for fucks sake does it look like i need chips? i was gagging and i only ate a couple and told her my medication was making me feel sick and i would have something on the way home. i got away with it but still feel bloated and feeling really bad but i have no energy to punish myself so i dont know what to do. im sat crying wanting to cut myself to shreds. I got a text from dads girl friend tonight asking me to eat dinner at her house 2moro night again... my reply was that i was working and unsure what time until, but she will ring me when she is leaving work to see if im home. great :( right now.. i dont know what to make of myself, my BMI is high, im fat, im overweight, im a failing anorexic. Why the fuck did i go into recovery? please give me a good reason because right now i want to die.

Sorry i havent been around.

Hello all.. sorry i havent posted in a while, i have been quite poorly in hospital so things havent been too great. On the eating front things have been quite good.

In hospital it was quite harsh- on my protocool i have to have a Naso-Gastric Tube which doesnt help anything but this week have lost a total of 4.6 lbs yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee im sooooo happy. Restricting has been quite hard due to dad being on to me but hey im still doing it.

Today's intak:

Part of a energy surge smoothie from Cafe Latino.

Half of my soup- cant remember how many cals right now will post. but not doing too bad eh?

blood sugars have been all over the place though. Thursday night i was on the verge of collapsing- havent been that bad in a while so im getting a little bit panicy- how can i go from fasting days at a time to having sudden sugar drops?!? IT SUCKS!

Love you all beautiful people. Stay strong. Keep restricting. Much lovee xxxxxx