urgh!

My dad went on holiday on saturday.. leaving me home alone great?! no. Been having alot of problems lately commments by people- oh dont you eat. i never see you eat. blah blah blah. Saturday went okay, wasnt really hungry after my shift at work but had to have something to stabelize my sugar levels so did so and went to bed. Sunday my boss's girlfriend brought up bacon sandwiches for everyone *pukes* they kept on offering them to me and me saying, 'no im fine'.. 'Ill have it later'... 'I just want to get some of my work done'.. 'Im busy'... 'Im not hungry i still dont feel well'.. didnt work. my boss confronted me infront of all the other people on the yard and said 'dont you eat? you never eat.'.. my face dropped and i didnt know what to do. I walked off and said 'yea i fucking eat unfortunatly.' She kept offereing me the food again throughout the day.. and text me in the afternoon there is food in such a place for you... argh i bring food.. i have to to keep sugar levels i eat if i need it. Yesterday i was told i was going to dad's girl friend's for dinner and as the hours passed i really started freaking out and started making up excuses for not going, i sent her a text to say i was gonna have an early night but she had her phone turned off.. so i had to sit with her and her eldest daughter and eat pasta... i felt HORRIBLE when i got home. I feel like i binged that day too.. now looking over what i ate doesnt seem too much but it was junk.. Today i went to show all day. I was at my boss's house for 7:45am. I hadnt eaten so i felt good. we left the stables at 9ish and stopped for fuel just down the road she asked me if i wanted anything from the garage.. NO i snapped. i felt bad but just didnt want it anymore. half an hour down the road i hear 'do you want a pork pie?' in my head i was saying very loudly 'no i dont want a fucking pork pie does it look like i need or want a fucking pork pie shove it in your fat gob and shut up'. But replied with no im ok.. and went very quiet i think she got the hint. At the show she asked me if i wanted a drink and she usually gets full sugar fizzy drinks/coke... so said im diying for water and luckily they had water this time. As we loaded all the horses back on the lorry i was untacking and giving them all water and she came up to me and asked me if i wanted anything to eat.. i said no but we argued for around 30 minutes maybe more and ended up with her shouting at me and making me sit at a table outside eating fucking chips.. chips for fucks sake does it look like i need chips? i was gagging and i only ate a couple and told her my medication was making me feel sick and i would have something on the way home. i got away with it but still feel bloated and feeling really bad but i have no energy to punish myself so i dont know what to do. im sat crying wanting to cut myself to shreds. I got a text from dads girl friend tonight asking me to eat dinner at her house 2moro night again... my reply was that i was working and unsure what time until, but she will ring me when she is leaving work to see if im home. great :( right now.. i dont know what to make of myself, my BMI is high, im fat, im overweight, im a failing anorexic. Why the fuck did i go into recovery? please give me a good reason because right now i want to die.

Sorry i havent been around.

Hello all.. sorry i havent posted in a while, i have been quite poorly in hospital so things havent been too great. On the eating front things have been quite good.

In hospital it was quite harsh- on my protocool i have to have a Naso-Gastric Tube which doesnt help anything but this week have lost a total of 4.6 lbs yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee im sooooo happy. Restricting has been quite hard due to dad being on to me but hey im still doing it.

Today's intak:

Part of a energy surge smoothie from Cafe Latino.

Half of my soup- cant remember how many cals right now will post. but not doing too bad eh?

blood sugars have been all over the place though. Thursday night i was on the verge of collapsing- havent been that bad in a while so im getting a little bit panicy- how can i go from fasting days at a time to having sudden sugar drops?!? IT SUCKS!

Love you all beautiful people. Stay strong. Keep restricting. Much lovee xxxxxx

lecturing.

hate it i hate it i hate it. gah why are people being so horrible when you are truthful to them. Dad and new girl firiend was askin about my eatin and then turned into lecture... i openly told them how many calories i was on everyday only because i wanted them to see how many more they have- there fat. they need to loose weight. they started having a go at me saying that they thought i was eating more and they'l be calling the psych again. Its my choice and im still huge so it doesnt matter.

been at the pub... intake of cals is waaaaaaay to high for today cos of it, band was on, dad got alcohol for us
meh..i dont want to be me right now... :(

"Do you know that..

Ana could kill you?"
that was a harsh point that my nutritionist gave to me today. You know what i thought and what my reply was....
"so? your point is...?"
she told me that after allready being in recovery i have damage to my stomach ect. I have respiratory and heart problems. Id rather ana killed me first if i was pretty and thin. I dont really care anymore. im fat and discusting... i dont want to be like this anymore :'(

dont know what to write anymore.. sorry

yay

i've lost 3lbs... dont know how i done it but im so happy. although having dinner at dads girl friends 2moro, never met her daughters but they know me from old riding school... scarey! Might be able to get away with not eating, dad knows i cant eat around people.

Im going away to see family/friends in july for about 2 weeks im happy means il get a 2 week fast but need to drop alot! of weight before then. I have prom like 2 days before i go aswell... scarey!

well im happy just had to share cant belive i lost another 3lbs :D yay

im planning fluid fast from wednesday.. anyone want to join me?

xx love to all you beautiful people..

<3 lovee youuuu ana. xxx

NRG NOW

So... i was in the local shop this afternoon, picking up a paper ect and i saw on the counter was 'NRG NOW' i hadnt any idea what it was, i saw on the lable ' feel it in minutes, lasts for hours'.

thought you might be interested, heres a link about it: http://www.evolution-slimming.com/store/herbals2goa-/nrg-now-energy-capsules-4-packs-/prod_14.html

i havent tried it yet, wanted to look it up first but it looks good, 1 serving contains the same ammount of caffine as a cup of coffee. Wondered if any of you have tried it? I am going to pick some up and see how good they are. However doesnt say about a calorific content, thats what worries me.

take care beautiful people. xx

Noisey eaters.....

Doesnt it get on your nerves lol... how do you cope with someone who's a noisey eater even when there fat gob is shut? Dads sat next to me shovelling Pizza and Garlic bread down his neck into his fat stomach... when he clearly doesnt need to. He's such a noisey f'ing eater though, told him before and he's driving me up the wall... that plus the huge belch afterwards... arghhh