Tuesday, 7 July 2009
My dad went on holiday on saturday.. leaving me home alone great?! no. Been having alot of problems lately commments by people- oh dont you eat. i never see you eat. blah blah blah. Saturday went okay, wasnt really hungry after my shift at work but had to have something to stabelize my sugar levels so did so and went to bed. Sunday my boss's girlfriend brought up bacon sandwiches for everyone *pukes* they kept on offering them to me and me saying, 'no im fine'.. 'Ill have it later'... 'I just want to get some of my work done'.. 'Im busy'... 'Im not hungry i still dont feel well'.. didnt work. my boss confronted me infront of all the other people on the yard and said 'dont you eat? you never eat.'.. my face dropped and i didnt know what to do. I walked off and said 'yea i fucking eat unfortunatly.' She kept offereing me the food again throughout the day.. and text me in the afternoon there is food in such a place for you... argh i bring food.. i have to to keep sugar levels i eat if i need it. Yesterday i was told i was going to dad's girl friend's for dinner and as the hours passed i really started freaking out and started making up excuses for not going, i sent her a text to say i was gonna have an early night but she had her phone turned off.. so i had to sit with her and her eldest daughter and eat pasta... i felt HORRIBLE when i got home. I feel like i binged that day too.. now looking over what i ate doesnt seem too much but it was junk.. Today i went to show all day. I was at my boss's house for 7:45am. I hadnt eaten so i felt good. we left the stables at 9ish and stopped for fuel just down the road she asked me if i wanted anything from the garage.. NO i snapped. i felt bad but just didnt want it anymore. half an hour down the road i hear 'do you want a pork pie?' in my head i was saying very loudly 'no i dont want a fucking pork pie does it look like i need or want a fucking pork pie shove it in your fat gob and shut up'. But replied with no im ok.. and went very quiet i think she got the hint. At the show she asked me if i wanted a drink and she usually gets full sugar fizzy drinks/coke... so said im diying for water and luckily they had water this time. As we loaded all the horses back on the lorry i was untacking and giving them all water and she came up to me and asked me if i wanted anything to eat.. i said no but we argued for around 30 minutes maybe more and ended up with her shouting at me and making me sit at a table outside eating fucking chips.. chips for fucks sake does it look like i need chips? i was gagging and i only ate a couple and told her my medication was making me feel sick and i would have something on the way home. i got away with it but still feel bloated and feeling really bad but i have no energy to punish myself so i dont know what to do. im sat crying wanting to cut myself to shreds. I got a text from dads girl friend tonight asking me to eat dinner at her house 2moro night again... my reply was that i was working and unsure what time until, but she will ring me when she is leaving work to see if im home. great :( right now.. i dont know what to make of myself, my BMI is high, im fat, im overweight, im a failing anorexic. Why the fuck did i go into recovery? please give me a good reason because right now i want to die.