Saturday, 2 January 2010

Told you i'd be posting again soon ;)

My stomach hurts... feels like i've been kicked in the stomach repeatedly. Like i've eaten something bad and my stomach has cramped.

Well.. yes i ate something bad.. i ate too much thats what was bad. I spent half an hour with my head down the toilet until i brought up blood.. and you know what... Im proud. Dont you just love that empty pain in your stomach when theres nothing left? Fuck me it sends me on a high.

Although im paying for it now, purging sends my breathing really bad but fuck it its a price to pay. I wanna quit the steroids im on, but whats all this pain for if im dead?

i've an endoscopy coming up in 2 weeks. i might have to cancel. my gastroenterologist thinks im not purging... haha think she'l have a shock when the endoscopist shoves the tube down my throat and sees the red raw stomach lining and osophagus.. i might have to leave it for a bit.. who knows

Thursday, 31 December 2009

Im back :)

Hey gorgeous girls, im back! I've been gone from this blog for a while, but i've been reading yours. You've all been inspiring me. Stay strong beautiful ladies.

Things on the ana front have been hard for me.. im having to quickly type this before dad comes in the room.. he's looking after me as im unwell. Im agreeing to see my doctor as soon as i can, but if that means adding more medication which will have side effects of weight gain.. he can fuck off. i'd rather die. I've been having bad chest pain daily, so i know somethings up. I've not been sleeping well as its been hard to breathe, so im constantly tired, and im very washed out pale with dark circles under my eyes. Not that i care, i love the pale look.. I was always pale, then last year i tanned so much. But i LOVE really pale skin :) ftw!

I've been restricting again after a period where i couldnt get away with it. I was working in a nursing home, and doing long shifts with people around food was so difficult for me. However they started commenting on me not eating so i was rather annoyed. But thats over. thats in the past.

A few weeks back i was put on Pizotifen for migraines, i researched this online and a huge majority of people on it gain alot of weight... 1-2 stones a month or 2... im sorry but that is just not acceptable for me. Im NOT going to take it, i'm going to speak to them and try and get something else, my only other options are beta blockers or injections i administer myself when i get the headaches... so i will see what they say.. however i dont think i'l mention the weight gain as the issue.. they can cause extreme drousyness and i am going to say i just wasnt able to function properly because of being so drousy... hopefully they will listen- they know im studying health care and putting everything in that i can. So its not like i wont be paying back when the NHS employ me.

Im started a strength fast last night.. A strength fast is between 10 ana girls. Your allowed fluids to drink but thats it.. The one to last the longest is the strongest. I've had a cup of tea this morning. But some reason i cant distinguise the feeling in the pit of my stomach.. is it hunger? greed? pain? fat? i'm not quite sure. so i'l ignore it.
I got my dad to buy me 2 books... 'thin' and 'to die for' OMG haha... he didnt even notice at first that they were ana books. And when he realised i told him that they would be good for my psychology work... haha yeah right.
I've read a quater of thin this morning. Its so inspiring.

Keep strong beauties. Im back for good now. <3>

Thursday, 12 November 2009

I can't quite believe how long it has been since i last blogged.

i have missed you all every single day. Don't worry i've been following your progress- you've all been doing amazing, and your thinspo pics where truley thinspirational. i love you all.

I haven't gained. however. I haven't lost. God im such a fat pig.. Dads girl friend daughter the other day told me i could borrow her clothes because we are the same size... i'm thinking fat fucking chance.. i will do everything in my will power to become smaller than her. So that she aspires to be like me and wan'ts to borrow my clothes.

I'm fed up of being this fat fucking bitch. I've calculated everything i can loose in a day including how many calories you burn texting and typing, fuck did you know you loose weight if you sit completley still? because your focusing and using muscles hard in order to not move... i gotta try that one.

love you all beauties. stay strong. xxx

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Dad commented today on my clothes... said that i had lost weight because my top was loose- he asked what size i was wearing and ignored him then looked at label and saw im in a uk 8- us 6? i know thats alot but have to take into consideration im on high dose steriods and some days my health stops me from doing any exercise at all :(

oh how it sucks. feeling quite sick of the site of my body right now and have to see a psychologist and psychiatrist on tuesday... im dreading it. im not ready for recovery.

anyway.. i have a thing about collar bones at the moment.. il leave you with a picture of mine- you can see just how fat i really am.. its shamefull.. it will be thinspo that works in the opposite ways.. it makes you wanna loose even more weight because you'd dread to look like that!

Sunday, 20 September 2009

New start.

At the moment.. im feeling quite pissed with myself. I have just been so stressed i haven't been restricting, i havent cared as much what goes into my fat gob and i havent exercised as much as i should have.. or really at all.. I have been quite unwell so its not been really possible.. but is that just excuses?

Im starting to feel suicidal over my weight. Well that and aload of other things. Im quite on edge at the moment, a new friend of mine works with adults with mental health problems and i have to see a psychologist on the 6th october.. although i did ask for it.. im now wondering if its such a good idea.

Im starting a fresh. From 2moro morning. Although i havent the energy or it will also probably kill me to go into the exercise i used to do at night right at the moment i will start tomorrow with my dieting- less time eating is more time to study. Not sure how im gonna cope- im going back to college tomorrow and gonna start heavily restricting again, my energy levels are going to dip even more and i have to sit and focus through equality, rights and diversity, personal and professional development and ICT.. although lessons are only 1 hour 30 mins long im still gonna find it hard to concentrate, especially when im struggling with my work so much.

Im gonna have to start posting here more often, calorie intake, pictures of me. I've let myself slip and i need to kick my arse back into shape.

Im gonna go look at some thinspo.. feeling rather low right now :(

Thursday, 3 September 2009

pro-active day?

Today has been so good. Not sure how i kept up, my exercise level has dropped quite alot lately- i have not been able to do much and upped my medication but today completed my martial art class- 1.5 hours long and burnt around 1000 cals in that. Then got home and was arguing with dad so went for a short run an it was getting dark anyway. When i came back i managed to collapse and throw up... great?!?
Then though however dad made me eat, stir fry and it was quite alot.. he's seen that im skipping meals and considering i have such a big event on saturday he made me eat it all.. on sunday im so excited because im going to view a horse to see about getting and he said i couldnt go to see him if i didnt eat it.
I ate it.. stupid me. But have been busy in my bedroom exercising so feeling a bit better for that.. But feeling crap.
Im feeling quite like a failure at the moment. Im freezing cold and fat. I have carpeted flooring in my room so cant weigh myself until tomorrow when i can take my scales down stairs. It sucks.

Im feeling really low. Im a looser. Im a failure :(

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Anti recovery.


I am getting fucking pissed off with Wannarexics.. for fucks sake go and actually starve yourself and see what hunger really feels like. Im getting fed up of people who are like between 10-17 stone saying 'im anorexic' i eat 200 cals a day and have done for the past year... Yea yea my fucking arse you have.

I ate alot today. Call it what you want, binge, over eating, pigging out.. I did it and i didnt exercise.. for a moment i thought what the hell.. Im stronger than this.. but oh no.. i soon looked in the mirror and had a panic attack.

Tomorrow im stepping up my game. Im supposed to be in training for saturday- championships but have been unwell and have been rather exhausted for some reason, but i need to restrict again and up my exercise.. some how.

I was feeling rather good about myself yesterday when i bought a new pair of jeans and they were too big in the waist.. im gonna have to take them back and get a smaller size. But these wannarexics trying to compete against me has decided il go for a even smaller size... maybe il reach my goal a bit quicker...

moan over :'(

stay strong beautiful people. xx