Wednesday, 29 April 2009

that horrible feeling in the bottom of your stomach...

... is it that disusting high calorie food you just consumed or the guilt your feeling because of it? I was thinking about this earlier whilst i was going over my discustingly large intake off food over the past few days.. think i shall cut my calories down further, if i go over i will punish myself even more... this is gonna sound stupid but read something in English Literature other day about loosing weight if you eat parts of yourself. Okay to you that probably sounds totally weird but for the rest of the lesson i was totally fixated on the thoughts of how that could work, i guess because your getting rid of part of you with excretion.. although how tempting that sounds, dont think im mad enough to go down the human canibalism route.

Im struggling at the moment.. im tired all the time, maybe i need my iron checking again. I have health problems which stop me doing stuff like high impact exercise, i cant go to a gym for ages and burn off the weeks worth of calories i have had.. i just cant which makes me furious, i am however a martial artist and a horse rider. Both of these sports/lifestyles thankfully demand for you to be thin, in martial arts for my age devision if your over 8.6 stone your classed as a heavy weight. In horse riding you cant be a good jockey if your a huge tub of lard and the jodphurs tend to show the flab. Not flattering at all.

I take a high amount of steriods, to keep me here, breathing and able to persue my ana lifestyle but unfortunatly what comes with that isnt very nice. Steriods make you put on a lot of weight, which is the main reasoning why im such a fucking whale, i was thinking the other day, do i risk being seriously ill by cutting down/ stopping steriods to loose weight? I cant really work out if thats such a good idea, but the temptation is there... i know what i should do though.

Since last weigh in i've only lost 1lb so feeling very angry about that.. have the 'urge to purge' and feeling it might get rid of this heavy feeling in my huge stomach...

In the meantime, i shall leave you with this thinspo picture, it says alot to me and has alot of meaning.. hope you find it interesting too. xx

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Last night..

last night was absolutely discusting. I am not one for the whole 'purge after everything has entered your mouth' but i knew last night that purging would make me feel better. I was on msn at the time to my ana friend, and i couldnt shift the feeling of needing to get things out and needing to purge so off i wrote 'BRB' thinking that it would be over quickly and i would be back.. but it was long drawn out and horrible.. dont think it helped by the amount of water i had- i was discusted with what came out. I took my laptop into the bathroom and played some thinspo music and around half an hour later was finally done, but of which ended with tears. Its ironic how i can bring up the contents of my stomach and some blood- which scared me, then an hour later feel like doing it again... whats the deal with that? Its amazing how quickly purging can make you feel better though, gets the badness out. But im not going to do it all the time, as i had no sleep from my reflux disease being foul and feel like my chest, throat ect was on fire... not pleasent.xx

Hello all.

Hello, so i find myself writting this blog. Its about time really, over the years i have kept numerous thinspo diaries yet this is something totally different, this can be seen by other people and people can comment. Throughout this blog i will not use my real name and pictures of me will have my face cropped out for identity purposes.

I have struggled with eating disorders since i was 9 but i think it was slightly younger, im soon approaching 16 and have recovered from anorexia and ednos, now face myself measuring myself daily and weighing myself as much as possible. And it is such a hard emotional journey. I think unless people actually have an eating disorder then there not going to understand the daily battle with food and numbers, how a simple shopping trip can lead to bitterness between the rest of the family as you do not allow an item with such high calorie content to enter your trolly.

I think when i was ana i was at my happiest purley because i was achieving and controlling, when i was forced to recover after a lengthy hospital stay i found myself slowly going down hill and looking like 'all the other girls in class' as my health deteriorated also. I put on more than a few pounds with high amounts of steriods, and now thanks to ana im loosing again, slowly but surely.

Oh dear.. im lost for words allready, not a good start. In this blog there will be some thinspo pics, i will post things i eat and how i feel. Then i can reflect and think 'what a fat pig'