... is it that disusting high calorie food you just consumed or the guilt your feeling because of it? I was thinking about this earlier whilst i was going over my discustingly large intake off food over the past few days.. think i shall cut my calories down further, if i go over i will punish myself even more... this is gonna sound stupid but read something in English Literature other day about loosing weight if you eat parts of yourself. Okay to you that probably sounds totally weird but for the rest of the lesson i was totally fixated on the thoughts of how that could work, i guess because your getting rid of part of you with excretion.. although how tempting that sounds, dont think im mad enough to go down the human canibalism route.
Im struggling at the moment.. im tired all the time, maybe i need my iron checking again. I have health problems which stop me doing stuff like high impact exercise, i cant go to a gym for ages and burn off the weeks worth of calories i have had.. i just cant which makes me furious, i am however a martial artist and a horse rider. Both of these sports/lifestyles thankfully demand for you to be thin, in martial arts for my age devision if your over 8.6 stone your classed as a heavy weight. In horse riding you cant be a good jockey if your a huge tub of lard and the jodphurs tend to show the flab. Not flattering at all.
I take a high amount of steriods, to keep me here, breathing and able to persue my ana lifestyle but unfortunatly what comes with that isnt very nice. Steriods make you put on a lot of weight, which is the main reasoning why im such a fucking whale, i was thinking the other day, do i risk being seriously ill by cutting down/ stopping steriods to loose weight? I cant really work out if thats such a good idea, but the temptation is there... i know what i should do though.
Since last weigh in i've only lost 1lb so feeling very angry about that.. have the 'urge to purge' and feeling it might get rid of this heavy feeling in my huge stomach...
In the meantime, i shall leave you with this thinspo picture, it says alot to me and has alot of meaning.. hope you find it interesting too. xx