Thursday, 31 December 2009

Im back :)

Hey gorgeous girls, im back! I've been gone from this blog for a while, but i've been reading yours. You've all been inspiring me. Stay strong beautiful ladies.

Things on the ana front have been hard for me.. im having to quickly type this before dad comes in the room.. he's looking after me as im unwell. Im agreeing to see my doctor as soon as i can, but if that means adding more medication which will have side effects of weight gain.. he can fuck off. i'd rather die. I've been having bad chest pain daily, so i know somethings up. I've not been sleeping well as its been hard to breathe, so im constantly tired, and im very washed out pale with dark circles under my eyes. Not that i care, i love the pale look.. I was always pale, then last year i tanned so much. But i LOVE really pale skin :) ftw!

I've been restricting again after a period where i couldnt get away with it. I was working in a nursing home, and doing long shifts with people around food was so difficult for me. However they started commenting on me not eating so i was rather annoyed. But thats over. thats in the past.

A few weeks back i was put on Pizotifen for migraines, i researched this online and a huge majority of people on it gain alot of weight... 1-2 stones a month or 2... im sorry but that is just not acceptable for me. Im NOT going to take it, i'm going to speak to them and try and get something else, my only other options are beta blockers or injections i administer myself when i get the headaches... so i will see what they say.. however i dont think i'l mention the weight gain as the issue.. they can cause extreme drousyness and i am going to say i just wasnt able to function properly because of being so drousy... hopefully they will listen- they know im studying health care and putting everything in that i can. So its not like i wont be paying back when the NHS employ me.

Im started a strength fast last night.. A strength fast is between 10 ana girls. Your allowed fluids to drink but thats it.. The one to last the longest is the strongest. I've had a cup of tea this morning. But some reason i cant distinguise the feeling in the pit of my stomach.. is it hunger? greed? pain? fat? i'm not quite sure. so i'l ignore it.
I got my dad to buy me 2 books... 'thin' and 'to die for' OMG haha... he didnt even notice at first that they were ana books. And when he realised i told him that they would be good for my psychology work... haha yeah right.
I've read a quater of thin this morning. Its so inspiring.

Keep strong beauties. Im back for good now. <3>

Thursday, 12 November 2009

I can't quite believe how long it has been since i last blogged.

i have missed you all every single day. Don't worry i've been following your progress- you've all been doing amazing, and your thinspo pics where truley thinspirational. i love you all.

I haven't gained. however. I haven't lost. God im such a fat pig.. Dads girl friend daughter the other day told me i could borrow her clothes because we are the same size... i'm thinking fat fucking chance.. i will do everything in my will power to become smaller than her. So that she aspires to be like me and wan'ts to borrow my clothes.

I'm fed up of being this fat fucking bitch. I've calculated everything i can loose in a day including how many calories you burn texting and typing, fuck did you know you loose weight if you sit completley still? because your focusing and using muscles hard in order to not move... i gotta try that one.

love you all beauties. stay strong. xxx

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Dad commented today on my clothes... said that i had lost weight because my top was loose- he asked what size i was wearing and ignored him then looked at label and saw im in a uk 8- us 6? i know thats alot but have to take into consideration im on high dose steriods and some days my health stops me from doing any exercise at all :(

oh how it sucks. feeling quite sick of the site of my body right now and have to see a psychologist and psychiatrist on tuesday... im dreading it. im not ready for recovery.

anyway.. i have a thing about collar bones at the moment.. il leave you with a picture of mine- you can see just how fat i really am.. its shamefull.. it will be thinspo that works in the opposite ways.. it makes you wanna loose even more weight because you'd dread to look like that!

Sunday, 20 September 2009

New start.

At the moment.. im feeling quite pissed with myself. I have just been so stressed i haven't been restricting, i havent cared as much what goes into my fat gob and i havent exercised as much as i should have.. or really at all.. I have been quite unwell so its not been really possible.. but is that just excuses?

Im starting to feel suicidal over my weight. Well that and aload of other things. Im quite on edge at the moment, a new friend of mine works with adults with mental health problems and i have to see a psychologist on the 6th october.. although i did ask for it.. im now wondering if its such a good idea.

Im starting a fresh. From 2moro morning. Although i havent the energy or it will also probably kill me to go into the exercise i used to do at night right at the moment i will start tomorrow with my dieting- less time eating is more time to study. Not sure how im gonna cope- im going back to college tomorrow and gonna start heavily restricting again, my energy levels are going to dip even more and i have to sit and focus through equality, rights and diversity, personal and professional development and ICT.. although lessons are only 1 hour 30 mins long im still gonna find it hard to concentrate, especially when im struggling with my work so much.

Im gonna have to start posting here more often, calorie intake, pictures of me. I've let myself slip and i need to kick my arse back into shape.

Im gonna go look at some thinspo.. feeling rather low right now :(

Thursday, 3 September 2009

pro-active day?

Today has been so good. Not sure how i kept up, my exercise level has dropped quite alot lately- i have not been able to do much and upped my medication but today completed my martial art class- 1.5 hours long and burnt around 1000 cals in that. Then got home and was arguing with dad so went for a short run an it was getting dark anyway. When i came back i managed to collapse and throw up... great?!?
Then though however dad made me eat, stir fry and it was quite alot.. he's seen that im skipping meals and considering i have such a big event on saturday he made me eat it all.. on sunday im so excited because im going to view a horse to see about getting and he said i couldnt go to see him if i didnt eat it.
I ate it.. stupid me. But have been busy in my bedroom exercising so feeling a bit better for that.. But feeling crap.
Im feeling quite like a failure at the moment. Im freezing cold and fat. I have carpeted flooring in my room so cant weigh myself until tomorrow when i can take my scales down stairs. It sucks.

Im feeling really low. Im a looser. Im a failure :(

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Anti recovery.


I am getting fucking pissed off with Wannarexics.. for fucks sake go and actually starve yourself and see what hunger really feels like. Im getting fed up of people who are like between 10-17 stone saying 'im anorexic' i eat 200 cals a day and have done for the past year... Yea yea my fucking arse you have.

I ate alot today. Call it what you want, binge, over eating, pigging out.. I did it and i didnt exercise.. for a moment i thought what the hell.. Im stronger than this.. but oh no.. i soon looked in the mirror and had a panic attack.

Tomorrow im stepping up my game. Im supposed to be in training for saturday- championships but have been unwell and have been rather exhausted for some reason, but i need to restrict again and up my exercise.. some how.

I was feeling rather good about myself yesterday when i bought a new pair of jeans and they were too big in the waist.. im gonna have to take them back and get a smaller size. But these wannarexics trying to compete against me has decided il go for a even smaller size... maybe il reach my goal a bit quicker...

moan over :'(

stay strong beautiful people. xx

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Just dropping in to say hi really. I know its been so long since i last blogged.. not much on the food front has happened. I gained weight, went into hospital then gained weight again and now back to restricting so im really happy.

Lost 4.2 lbs in past 2 days so quite happy.. could be more but im not exercising :)

When i get some energy back il be exercising more i cant wait.

My father has gone away for the weekend.. yay. Restricting just got a whole lot easier.

Il blog again sometime over the weekend with a proper update.. but i havent forgotton my beautiful ana friends.

stay strong. xx

Tuesday, 7 July 2009


My dad went on holiday on saturday.. leaving me home alone great?! no. Been having alot of problems lately commments by people- oh dont you eat. i never see you eat. blah blah blah. Saturday went okay, wasnt really hungry after my shift at work but had to have something to stabelize my sugar levels so did so and went to bed. Sunday my boss's girlfriend brought up bacon sandwiches for everyone *pukes* they kept on offering them to me and me saying, 'no im fine'.. 'Ill have it later'... 'I just want to get some of my work done'.. 'Im busy'... 'Im not hungry i still dont feel well'.. didnt work. my boss confronted me infront of all the other people on the yard and said 'dont you eat? you never eat.'.. my face dropped and i didnt know what to do. I walked off and said 'yea i fucking eat unfortunatly.' She kept offereing me the food again throughout the day.. and text me in the afternoon there is food in such a place for you... argh i bring food.. i have to to keep sugar levels i eat if i need it. Yesterday i was told i was going to dad's girl friend's for dinner and as the hours passed i really started freaking out and started making up excuses for not going, i sent her a text to say i was gonna have an early night but she had her phone turned off.. so i had to sit with her and her eldest daughter and eat pasta... i felt HORRIBLE when i got home. I feel like i binged that day too.. now looking over what i ate doesnt seem too much but it was junk.. Today i went to show all day. I was at my boss's house for 7:45am. I hadnt eaten so i felt good. we left the stables at 9ish and stopped for fuel just down the road she asked me if i wanted anything from the garage.. NO i snapped. i felt bad but just didnt want it anymore. half an hour down the road i hear 'do you want a pork pie?' in my head i was saying very loudly 'no i dont want a fucking pork pie does it look like i need or want a fucking pork pie shove it in your fat gob and shut up'. But replied with no im ok.. and went very quiet i think she got the hint. At the show she asked me if i wanted a drink and she usually gets full sugar fizzy drinks/coke... so said im diying for water and luckily they had water this time. As we loaded all the horses back on the lorry i was untacking and giving them all water and she came up to me and asked me if i wanted anything to eat.. i said no but we argued for around 30 minutes maybe more and ended up with her shouting at me and making me sit at a table outside eating fucking chips.. chips for fucks sake does it look like i need chips? i was gagging and i only ate a couple and told her my medication was making me feel sick and i would have something on the way home. i got away with it but still feel bloated and feeling really bad but i have no energy to punish myself so i dont know what to do. im sat crying wanting to cut myself to shreds. I got a text from dads girl friend tonight asking me to eat dinner at her house 2moro night again... my reply was that i was working and unsure what time until, but she will ring me when she is leaving work to see if im home. great :( right now.. i dont know what to make of myself, my BMI is high, im fat, im overweight, im a failing anorexic. Why the fuck did i go into recovery? please give me a good reason because right now i want to die.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Sorry i havent been around.

Hello all.. sorry i havent posted in a while, i have been quite poorly in hospital so things havent been too great. On the eating front things have been quite good.

In hospital it was quite harsh- on my protocool i have to have a Naso-Gastric Tube which doesnt help anything but this week have lost a total of 4.6 lbs yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee im sooooo happy. Restricting has been quite hard due to dad being on to me but hey im still doing it.

Today's intak:

Part of a energy surge smoothie from Cafe Latino.

Half of my soup- cant remember how many cals right now will post. but not doing too bad eh?

blood sugars have been all over the place though. Thursday night i was on the verge of collapsing- havent been that bad in a while so im getting a little bit panicy- how can i go from fasting days at a time to having sudden sugar drops?!? IT SUCKS!

Love you all beautiful people. Stay strong. Keep restricting. Much lovee xxxxxx

Saturday, 9 May 2009


hate it i hate it i hate it. gah why are people being so horrible when you are truthful to them. Dad and new girl firiend was askin about my eatin and then turned into lecture... i openly told them how many calories i was on everyday only because i wanted them to see how many more they have- there fat. they need to loose weight. they started having a go at me saying that they thought i was eating more and they'l be calling the psych again. Its my choice and im still huge so it doesnt matter.

been at the pub... intake of cals is waaaaaaay to high for today cos of it, band was on, dad got alcohol for us
meh..i dont want to be me right now... :(

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

"Do you know that..

Ana could kill you?"
that was a harsh point that my nutritionist gave to me today. You know what i thought and what my reply was....
"so? your point is...?"
she told me that after allready being in recovery i have damage to my stomach ect. I have respiratory and heart problems. Id rather ana killed me first if i was pretty and thin. I dont really care anymore. im fat and discusting... i dont want to be like this anymore :'(

dont know what to write anymore.. sorry

Monday, 4 May 2009


i've lost 3lbs... dont know how i done it but im so happy. although having dinner at dads girl friends 2moro, never met her daughters but they know me from old riding school... scarey! Might be able to get away with not eating, dad knows i cant eat around people.

Im going away to see family/friends in july for about 2 weeks im happy means il get a 2 week fast but need to drop alot! of weight before then. I have prom like 2 days before i go aswell... scarey!

well im happy just had to share cant belive i lost another 3lbs :D yay

im planning fluid fast from wednesday.. anyone want to join me?

xx love to all you beautiful people..

<3 lovee youuuu ana. xxx

Saturday, 2 May 2009


So... i was in the local shop this afternoon, picking up a paper ect and i saw on the counter was 'NRG NOW' i hadnt any idea what it was, i saw on the lable ' feel it in minutes, lasts for hours'.

thought you might be interested, heres a link about it:

i havent tried it yet, wanted to look it up first but it looks good, 1 serving contains the same ammount of caffine as a cup of coffee. Wondered if any of you have tried it? I am going to pick some up and see how good they are. However doesnt say about a calorific content, thats what worries me.

take care beautiful people. xx

Noisey eaters.....

Doesnt it get on your nerves lol... how do you cope with someone who's a noisey eater even when there fat gob is shut? Dads sat next to me shovelling Pizza and Garlic bread down his neck into his fat stomach... when he clearly doesnt need to. He's such a noisey f'ing eater though, told him before and he's driving me up the wall... that plus the huge belch afterwards... arghhh

Friday, 1 May 2009

doing ok?

today... Total cals consumed: 206. Total cals burnt: 500. Think the scales are coming out :) xx

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

that horrible feeling in the bottom of your stomach...

... is it that disusting high calorie food you just consumed or the guilt your feeling because of it? I was thinking about this earlier whilst i was going over my discustingly large intake off food over the past few days.. think i shall cut my calories down further, if i go over i will punish myself even more... this is gonna sound stupid but read something in English Literature other day about loosing weight if you eat parts of yourself. Okay to you that probably sounds totally weird but for the rest of the lesson i was totally fixated on the thoughts of how that could work, i guess because your getting rid of part of you with excretion.. although how tempting that sounds, dont think im mad enough to go down the human canibalism route.

Im struggling at the moment.. im tired all the time, maybe i need my iron checking again. I have health problems which stop me doing stuff like high impact exercise, i cant go to a gym for ages and burn off the weeks worth of calories i have had.. i just cant which makes me furious, i am however a martial artist and a horse rider. Both of these sports/lifestyles thankfully demand for you to be thin, in martial arts for my age devision if your over 8.6 stone your classed as a heavy weight. In horse riding you cant be a good jockey if your a huge tub of lard and the jodphurs tend to show the flab. Not flattering at all.

I take a high amount of steriods, to keep me here, breathing and able to persue my ana lifestyle but unfortunatly what comes with that isnt very nice. Steriods make you put on a lot of weight, which is the main reasoning why im such a fucking whale, i was thinking the other day, do i risk being seriously ill by cutting down/ stopping steriods to loose weight? I cant really work out if thats such a good idea, but the temptation is there... i know what i should do though.

Since last weigh in i've only lost 1lb so feeling very angry about that.. have the 'urge to purge' and feeling it might get rid of this heavy feeling in my huge stomach...

In the meantime, i shall leave you with this thinspo picture, it says alot to me and has alot of meaning.. hope you find it interesting too. xx

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Last night..

last night was absolutely discusting. I am not one for the whole 'purge after everything has entered your mouth' but i knew last night that purging would make me feel better. I was on msn at the time to my ana friend, and i couldnt shift the feeling of needing to get things out and needing to purge so off i wrote 'BRB' thinking that it would be over quickly and i would be back.. but it was long drawn out and horrible.. dont think it helped by the amount of water i had- i was discusted with what came out. I took my laptop into the bathroom and played some thinspo music and around half an hour later was finally done, but of which ended with tears. Its ironic how i can bring up the contents of my stomach and some blood- which scared me, then an hour later feel like doing it again... whats the deal with that? Its amazing how quickly purging can make you feel better though, gets the badness out. But im not going to do it all the time, as i had no sleep from my reflux disease being foul and feel like my chest, throat ect was on fire... not pleasent.xx

Hello all.

Hello, so i find myself writting this blog. Its about time really, over the years i have kept numerous thinspo diaries yet this is something totally different, this can be seen by other people and people can comment. Throughout this blog i will not use my real name and pictures of me will have my face cropped out for identity purposes.

I have struggled with eating disorders since i was 9 but i think it was slightly younger, im soon approaching 16 and have recovered from anorexia and ednos, now face myself measuring myself daily and weighing myself as much as possible. And it is such a hard emotional journey. I think unless people actually have an eating disorder then there not going to understand the daily battle with food and numbers, how a simple shopping trip can lead to bitterness between the rest of the family as you do not allow an item with such high calorie content to enter your trolly.

I think when i was ana i was at my happiest purley because i was achieving and controlling, when i was forced to recover after a lengthy hospital stay i found myself slowly going down hill and looking like 'all the other girls in class' as my health deteriorated also. I put on more than a few pounds with high amounts of steriods, and now thanks to ana im loosing again, slowly but surely.

Oh dear.. im lost for words allready, not a good start. In this blog there will be some thinspo pics, i will post things i eat and how i feel. Then i can reflect and think 'what a fat pig'