New start.

At the moment.. im feeling quite pissed with myself. I have just been so stressed i haven't been restricting, i havent cared as much what goes into my fat gob and i havent exercised as much as i should have.. or really at all.. I have been quite unwell so its not been really possible.. but is that just excuses?

Im starting to feel suicidal over my weight. Well that and aload of other things. Im quite on edge at the moment, a new friend of mine works with adults with mental health problems and i have to see a psychologist on the 6th october.. although i did ask for it.. im now wondering if its such a good idea.

Im starting a fresh. From 2moro morning. Although i havent the energy or it will also probably kill me to go into the exercise i used to do at night right at the moment i will start tomorrow with my dieting- less time eating is more time to study. Not sure how im gonna cope- im going back to college tomorrow and gonna start heavily restricting again, my energy levels are going to dip even more and i have to sit and focus through equality, rights and diversity, personal and professional development and ICT.. although lessons are only 1 hour 30 mins long im still gonna find it hard to concentrate, especially when im struggling with my work so much.

Im gonna have to start posting here more often, calorie intake, pictures of me. I've let myself slip and i need to kick my arse back into shape.

Im gonna go look at some thinspo.. feeling rather low right now :(

pro-active day?

Today has been so good. Not sure how i kept up, my exercise level has dropped quite alot lately- i have not been able to do much and upped my medication but today completed my martial art class- 1.5 hours long and burnt around 1000 cals in that. Then got home and was arguing with dad so went for a short run an it was getting dark anyway. When i came back i managed to collapse and throw up... great?!?

Then though however dad made me eat, stir fry and it was quite alot.. he's seen that im skipping meals and considering i have such a big event on saturday he made me eat it all.. on sunday im so excited because im going to view a horse to see about getting and he said i couldnt go to see him if i didnt eat it.

I ate it.. stupid me. But have been busy in my bedroom exercising so feeling a bit better for that.. But feeling crap.

Im feeling quite like a failure at the moment. Im freezing cold and fat. I have carpeted flooring in my room so cant weigh myself until tomorrow when i can take my scales down stairs. It sucks.

Im feeling really low. Im a looser. Im a failure :(

Anti recovery.

*RANT ALERT*

I am getting fucking pissed off with Wannarexics.. for fucks sake go and actually starve yourself and see what hunger really feels like. Im getting fed up of people who are like between 10-17 stone saying 'im anorexic' i eat 200 cals a day and have done for the past year... Yea yea my fucking arse you have.

I ate alot today. Call it what you want, binge, over eating, pigging out.. I did it and i didnt exercise.. for a moment i thought what the hell.. Im stronger than this.. but oh no.. i soon looked in the mirror and had a panic attack.

Tomorrow im stepping up my game. Im supposed to be in training for saturday- championships but have been unwell and have been rather exhausted for some reason, but i need to restrict again and up my exercise.. some how.

I was feeling rather good about myself yesterday when i bought a new pair of jeans and they were too big in the waist.. im gonna have to take them back and get a smaller size. But these wannarexics trying to compete against me has decided il go for a even smaller size... maybe il reach my goal a bit quicker...

moan over :'(

stay strong beautiful people. xx